4waystop

Clay, I always thought you were straight! Say it isn't So

Guys, I know this is going to come as a bit of a shocker, so I hope you're sitting down before you continue reading. But (deep breath, now)...Clay Aiken has confirmed, in an interview featured on the cover of the upcoming issue of People magazine and first leaked on Perez Hilton's site, that he is indeed (wait for it), homosexual.

All right, all right...so this isn't the biggest news scoop in tabloid history. This is sort of akin to reporting that Chris Daughtry is bald, or that David Cook uses hair gel, or that Ruben Studdard shops at Big & Tall For Men. It's always been that obvious. But this is the first time that Clay has actually acknowledged it, so I for one am thrilled that he has set the record straight (no pun intended).

For years, practically from the minute he reared his bespectacled head on season 2 of American Idol, Clay has skirted (again, no pun intended) around this issue--even telling Diane Sawyer herself that she was "really rude" to grill him about his sexuality in a 2006 Good Morning America interview. He always made a big point of keeping his private life just that--private--but it seemed the quieter he remained, the louder all the gossip (and snarky jokes) became.

Of course, promo photos of Clay's new look (frosty blonde highlights, inch-thick pancake makeup), or news than his son was conceived via medical intervention with his 50-year-old "best friend," didn't help matters. But Clay still kept mum, perhaps out of fear of alienating his adoring, mostly female fanbase.

But now Clay has finally come out, in a People article accompanied by the first published photos of his new bouncing baby boy, Parker Foster (who apparently was his inspiration for telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth here, as he told the mag, "I cannot raise a child to lie or to hide things"). Kudos to Clay for being an honest role model for his child, and I'm certain that any worries Clay--or, probably more specifically, his handlers--had about him losing fans after such a confession will prove totally unfounded.

Now, if he had only admitted this in a public restroom like George Michael...oh the drama.  Who the hell cares.  Clay Aiken is GAY!  Let's just hope he puts a rainbow sticker on his car, doesn't pay off the 50 year old woman who harvested his child for sole custody and lives the life of a RESPONSIBLE homosexual man.

We are sending Clay a case of Dixie Creme Sugar Biscuits and a whole mess of Judy Garland albums. Go get 'em.

WHERE WILL IT END?.......SMART-ASS_Word of the Week

TORTURE  /tor cher/  noun

1.     Infliction of severe physical pain as a means of punishment or coercion.

2.      Excruciating physical or mental pain; agony: the torture of waiting in suspense.

3.      Something causing severe pain or anguish.

I've selected this week's word in the hope that W will read today's post and learn the meaning of a term, an act, that he seems so hellbent on pursuing as a way to secure America's safety.  From what I can tell he either has no idea what it means or, sadly and more likely, he does and just doesn't care.

For those out there who are unaware of Article 3 of the Geneva Convention, it states, essentially, that torture is unacceptable in nearly every form and certainly in the forms that W would wish to pursue.  But, then, having clearly and repeatedly violated part 2, section c of article 3 (think Abu Ghraib), I guess he's looking at this from an "In-for-a-penny-in-for-a-pound" point of view.

Clearly he does not care that torture does not work and opens the door to this country being viewed with even more disdain and disgust than it is now.  He doesn't seem to care that this will only give greater justification to other nations to freely torture any American they can catch.  He is determined to make this his right and his legacy. 

We need to hold ourselves to a higher standard.  We should at least know what torture means.

Example:  "George was bitterly disappointed when he realized other folks knew the difference between right and wrong and were apparently determined to make him adhere to the Geneva Convention's frustrating rules regarding torture."

BE CARFUL WHAT YOU WISH......SMART-ASS_Word of the Week

HYPERGENITALISM  /hi per JEN it ull ism/  noun

Abnormally overdeveloped genitalia.

Yeah, you wish.  Unfortunately, from what I've seen, it's not all it's cracked up to be.  While vacationing years ago with an old boyfriend, we met up with a group of his pals from London, one of whom was known for his...um...generous endowments? 

I was sitting across the dinner table from this man, tall, handsome and in his late twenties, when my boyfriend whispered "Watch him when he stands up, look at his pants."  While I was wondering what interest my boyfriend could possibly have in some other guy's pants, the guy across the table from me stood to go to the buffet.  He was wearing slim-legged white cotton canvas pants - the fabric somewhat thin and clinging to his body - and there, bulging from the inside of his right leg, was what looked like a couple of tennis balls tucked into his crotch and, even more shocking, what could have been a pipe running down his leg from crotch to knee.  My jaw dropped.

As Mr. Penis (as we would refer to him over the next few days) headed for the salad bar I snapped out of my wide-eyed shock and turned to my beau and hissed, "That's fake!  This is a joke.  You guys are twisted!"  I was assured that it was no joke and if I had any doubts, I might want to ask Mr. Penis's boyfriend.   I was sure this was some sick practical joke, so I just ignored the long dong across the table and spent the evening scowling at my boyfriend.

The next morning I was awakened by frantic knocking on our door.  It was another friend traveling with us.  I let her in and she ran to our window, dragging me with her and telling me I had to see something.  She threw open our shutters and there, walking along the rocky beach just below us, buck naked, was Mr. Penis.  That lump in his pants from the night before was not a pipe or a sock.  It looked like a big, pink elephant's trunk.  It really did hang down to his knee.  It was more sideshow-freaky than sexy.  The balls were enormous.  The image will be burned into my memory forever. 

I spent the rest of our stay staring mostly at the Mr. Penis' boyfriend.  Needlessly graphic images popping into my head.  I noticed the boyfriend seemed to limp a bit.  It was a long, long weekend.

Example:  "Margret never considered Harold's hypergenitalism a handicap although she worried that their vigorous lovemaking might result in her being permanently 'handicapped' if they weren't careful."

WANNA SMELL WHAT I ATE FOR LUNCH?...SMART-ASS_Word of the Week

NIDOROSITY  /nide or OSS it ee/  noun

Belching with the taste of undigested cooked meat.

"What the Hell is that smell?!"  As I was locking the front door on my way out with my 4 year old daughter, that was the question she asked loudly, nose wrinkled in disgust.

For the last two years our family has eaten very little red meat.  There are a variety of reasons; the amount of time meat spends in the gut being digested, the rate of cancer among meat eaters, the steroids, hormones and antibiotics (almost as much as a Tour de France winner) pumped into the animal throughout it's life, the animal's sad life and probably traumatic death, the waste of resources per pound of meat, CJD (a.k.a. 'mad cow disease') and finally the amount of methane produced by cattle contributing to the greenhouse effect.  All of those figure slightly in our decision to be semi-vegetarians, but the biggest reason has been our kid, who has always been horrified by eating meat, likening the idea of eating a cow to eating a dog.  It's just creepy and gross to her. 

So, when she asked me what the smell was, I cringed a bit, sniffed the late Saturday afternoon air and said, "Smells like barbecue." 

"What are they barbecuing?" she asked.  "Uh, smells like...um...steak?"  A look of horror crossed her face, "Steak!?  Ugh, they're barbecuing dead cow?  That's disgusting!" 

Well, I guess if you put it that way, yeah, it's pretty disgusting.  But barbecued tofu has never made my mouth water like the scent of mesquite grilled, dead cow...

Example:  "Stuart loved the admiration of his fellow PETA members for his unshakable 20-odd years of vegan-ism.  Which was why he would always wash down his weekly triple bacon-cheese burger with a small bottle of Pepto-bismol.  A single nidorosity in the company of his fellow activists would surely reveal him for the hypocrite he was."

MAYBE STAPLES WOULD HELP?.....SMART-ASS_Word of the Week

PHALLORHIKNOSIS  /fal or hik NO sis/  noun

The shriveling of the penis with old age.

I overheard two young (late teens) men at a fast food restaurant the other day.  They were discussing 'older' women and how the idea of even looking at, much less having any kind of sexual contact with, a woman past the age of 40 (and then only if she was 'really hot') made them queasy.  One twit in particular noted that 'the tits on chicks over 40 are all wrinkled and hanging...'.  Well, sweetie, 'Father Time' has a nasty little surprise in store for you too.  Shrinkage - no icy water needed! 
Hey, at least if the boobs start to head south, a quick vacation in Costa Rica with a side trip to a great surgeon will fix 'em right up again.  But when those peckers start pruning?  You boys will be S.O.L.

Example:  "Rapidly approaching his 70th birthday, Kenny was confident that his millions would offset any notice by his frequent 20-something dinner companions of the phallorhiknosis that had beset him in his late 60s."

YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?.......SMART-ASS_Word of the Week

TRUCULENCE  /TRUK yu lens/  noun

A disposition or apparent disposition to fight, especially fiercely.   Ferociously cruel actions or behavior.

Seems like everyone is spoiling for a fight this summer.
North Korea has nuclear capability and has started lobbing rockets in the general direction of Japan.  Japan is getting pissy about this.  Understandable.  I'm still annoyed about my neighbor's 4th of July fireworks ending up in my pool every morning for the past two weeks.  I asked him to stop and he told me to shove it.  The person in charge over in N. Korea is only slightly less stable than my neighbor. 
We've noticed lately that Iran has been busily enriching uranium in much the same way one might notice the kids down the street filling balloons with paint.  It's not illegal really, but uh, it doesn't bode well for the neighborhood.  And if you call the cops about it, what are you gonna say?  You think those punks might be up to something?  The police, if they aren't too busy, might go over and talk to them, but realistically, they can't do anything until you call about your newly 'painted' Toyota.  Until then, those kids are just gonna keep giving you the finger.  Ditto Iran.
Finally, last week Israel and Lebanon decided, after several years of trash talk and girl-slapping each other, to slip on the brass knuckles and get down to it.  Syria looks as if she might be waiting to jump in and help an old pal win a grudge match.  What are we doing?  As of Sunday, all we'd done was shout, "You go girl!" to Israel and then run back into the house. 
But, then, we're kinda busy right now.  We've got some stuff to take care of in Iraq.  We'll be done soon.  Really.  And then, quick-as-a-bunny, we'll be over to help.  Unless of course Iran cops an attitude, then we may have to do that first.  Hopefully North Korea won't get any funny ideas while we've got our backs turned, but that Kim Jong Il dude is kind of whack job, so who knows.
Yep, it looks like a lot of folks need to back off the caffeine for a while, it's getting scary around here.

Example:  "Mary, the beleaguered UN translator, braced herself for another grueling day of translating North Korea's truculent announcements of it's intention to continue ignoring any weapons sanctions imposed by the council.  Hours of translation just to produce a more formal version of "Up yours."."

IF ONLY THERE HAD BEEN MORE TIME.....SMART-ASS_Word of the Week

SCAPHISM  /SKAFF ism/  noun

The practice of covering a victim in honey and strapping him to a hollow tree, exposed to stinging insects, in order to inflict a lingering death.

Kenneth L. Lay, former chairman and CEO of Enron Corp., died last week in Aspen, CO (one of his vacation homes).  He was 64...the cheater. 
A cheat to the last, he even managed to slither out of doing any prison time by dropping dead on his own schedule.  Martha Stewart did her time, for lying and improperly making some pocket change.  But 'Kenny-Boy' (W's nickname for him - but they barely knew each other...) traveled and roamed free on $5 million bond, all the while professing his innocence and ignorance of Enron's practice of deliberate accounting fraud.  4000 people lost their jobs and many, many more lost huge chunks of their nest eggs. 
Lay should have been treated to scaphism as his punishment for being a lying slime-bag.  His likely sentence (assuming his low pals in high places didn't intervene) would have been to spend the rest of his days in prison.  Basically a slap on the wrist.
Ah, well, there is always Jeffrey Skilling, COO then CEO of Enron, whose acts of blatant greed at least equaled those of Lay's.  I'm sure it wouldn't be too difficult to find some former (possibly still unemployed) employees and maybe a few seniors, who've had to make up their losses by bagging groceries until they're 80, to grab some honey and rope and find a nice hollow tree for Jeffy to have a well-earned 'time-out'.  Better yet, let's try our scaphism old-school style, the way the Persians did it.  Yup, that'll teach 'em.

Example:  "Arriving in Hell after finally succumbing to his sentence of scaphism, Jeff was somewhat taken aback when closet neat-nik, Satan, shrieked at him for dripping honey on his freshly mopped floor."

THAT MAGIC TOUCH...............SMART-ASS_Word of the Week

TURDEFY  /TURD if eye/  verb

To turn into feces.

Something can 'turdefy' by becoming shit; MTV, customer service, prime-time television.  Or to 'turdefy' can signal the act of turning something else into shit;  the sushi quality tuna steak your hostess serves well-done or the medicare prescription drug program.  Such a nimble word, so many uses.  Too bad it doesn't have an opposite, a verb that turns the now shitty back into it's pre-pooped, original incarnation.   Or, better yet, into something even finer than what it was.

Example:  "After her fifth meal at her fiance's parent's house, Brenda was now certain: there was no dish on earth that her future mother-in-law could not turdefy."

YOU ARE WHAT YOU DO?...SMART-ASS_Word of the Week

NIHILARIAN  /NY ih LAIR ee an/  noun

One who deals with things of no importance.  A person with a meaningless job.

Is there such a thing?  I mean, I know there are people out there who think their job is meaningless or that what they do is unimportant, but is that really true?  Just because a job sounds dull, or even is dull, does that mean it serves no purpose?  I'm sure that some of you may think this about yourself, but it can't really be true.  Your existence in that space accomplishes something, no matter how small.  Obviously, whatever it is you do needed to get done or else you wouldn't be getting a paycheck.  It's not the 'little' jobs that are meaningless, but, more often than not, the 'big' ones that could easily be erased without adverse effect to the universe.  What would you miss more?  A few city commissioners under investigation for corruption or the barristas at your local Starbucks who can give you your latte, just the way you like it, without screwing it up or making you late for work?  Nope, I don't think there is such a creature as a nihilarian.  Thinking you serve no pupose is a state of mind, easily adjusted with anti-depressants.  Thinking others serve no purpose just means you're an imperious asshole.

Example:  "Pissed off after looking up 'nihilarian' in the dictionary Larry, the office janitor, swore he'd teach that stuck up new lawyer (who'd hissed the word at him after tripping over his mop) a lesson the next time he cleaned his office and maybe do a little extra 'cleaning' when it came to the little twit's in-box.  Yup, trash day was gonna be a real good day."

BETTER THAN THE FINGER!...SMART-ASS_Word of the Week

LICKTWAT  /LIK twat/  noun

A term of contempt.

I wish to nominate this vulgarity for immediate resurrection!  Really, how many times can you use words like 'asswipe' or 'dickhead' or some similar taunt when identifying the deserving?  Show the world that you can fish from a far deeper well of expletives than your contemporaries.  I plan on using this little gem when I tell the neighbor exactly what I think of his emptying the excess trash from his garbage cans onto my lawn at least once a week.  Of course, I'm no fool, I'll be doing this while exiting my driveway for the final time on my way to the airport.  Hey, this is Miami, this guy owns a gun!

Example:  "John and Marsha had only been living in their new home a week when they discovered what a rude, nasty licktwat they had for a neighbor."